So, we've come to the decision that I'm not going to work whilst the twins are still little babies. "Oh lucky you" you might be thinking and "alright for some hey", but this is not a decision that we took lightly and it will mean a bit of a financial strain, However there would just be no point in me going to work as what I would earn would not cover child care.
Of course it's great that I get to spend so much time with my kids, but part of me is a little gutted in the sense that had I just had a more established career then maybe we just wouldn't be in this situation. You see the problem is that I've never stayed with something long enough to really say that I've had a career. I seem to have ducked and dived through things and scrambled around picking up the crumbs in the hope that it will make one full cake, but either been to impatient or too afraid to actually put all the ingredients together to make something firm and solid. I just hope that because of this my children won't suffer.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be either a journalist, lawyer or actress, I think this was down to the fact that I was nosy, argumentative and very dramatic! But I was insistent that I was going to be one of those things.
At 16 I went to the Oldham Theatre workshop whose alumni included Anna Friel and many of the cast of Coronation Street. For about a year my dad would drive me all the way to rehearsals for shows and plays and I became a mini lovey hugging and air kissing my fellow cast members as we became more acquainted - I was in my element. I can't quite really remember what happened and why I stopped going, I think it was a combination of dad not wanting to drive me anymore (to be far it was a fair trek and his car did get broken into one time whilst we were there) and the people at the workshop pushing to sign me up to the agency but wanting my parents to pay a hefty fee. But I didn't really object to not going.
I never really pursued law, I was never convinced I'd be smart enough maybe, or perhaps I knew how much hard work it would be.
In terms of journalism, I have dabbled a little and written a few articles here and there and even did work experience at Heat magazine once, but never fully explored it as a career.
What happened to my ambition?? as I child I was so determined, I even remember thinking to myself that my 20's were going to be great because In some way I would be successful, where in actual fact I spent most of my 20's dithering about and making stupid decisions with regards to jobs and work.
It bothers me that I have no firm roots in anything, I don't have a little nest egg, I've never been solely independent and I've now got no real career to go back to even if I wanted to.
It's no one else's fault but myself, so don't feel sorry for me, with a little bit more determination and effort perhaps I would've achieved maybe all three of those things I wanted to be. Yet I chose paths that led to no where. It's sort of like being in a maze and I constantly have to reverse and start all over again.
Perhaps whilst I'm bringing up the babies it will give me time to reflect on what I really want to do, but I worry that it might be too late.
Most importantly is that I want to enable my children to have the self belief and confidence that I think I have lacked throughout my life. I don't however want to be one of those mums who tries to live a missed life through her kids but end up being bitter about what I've lost or not done. God forbid if I become a pushy mum!! I actually want my kids to be proud of me as well as me being proud of them.
Monday, 21 February 2011
Saturday, 19 February 2011
Wednesday, 16 February 2011
Weaning woes
So we are now in weaning territory, well we have been for about a month now and I'm a little surprised at how slow this process is. Here was I thinking my kids would be eating lasagne, fish pie and roast beef within weeks, yet the reality is their palates and their swallowing reflex's are a little on the tender side and we're still on the puree's.
But even with this they are a little fussy and have continue to rebuff my best efforts to wow them with my blending skills, preferring only to eat (although I have to say rather tempting) the mushed up stuff from a brand called Ella's Kitchen. Whilst I don't feel guilty in giving them this range as they are completely pure. I can't help feeling a bit crap that they didn't want my food.Ok at first I gave them food thicker than gruel, but then I really did try and get it to the right consistency, yet alas still no success. It's all about perseverance I guess and maybe one day we'll have a break through.
Unfortunately for my twins, I'm terribly impatient and therefore I keep trying to move the goal posts by trying to introduce more textured food, but Olivia makes it very clear that she is not ready to move forward by gagging and then throwing up everywhere with gusto - which is followed by a little giggle as if to say "you try feeding me something I'm not ready for then I'll do something you hate and that's puking."
Beau likes to let me know with a range of facial expressions ranging from surprise to utter disgust, followed by a slow release of undigested food from his mouth. If he likes something he cries when I move the spoon away from him. Olivia however, likes to bang her legs up and down on the chair and will make a little funny sound.
My dad is dying to take them to MacDonald's and I joke with him that his visits will be significantly reduced once they get old enough to eat a chip, but in all seriousness I have to make sure that I don't let my issues with food rub off on my kids.
My mum and dad thought that food was a way of expressing their love for us, they also loved their food so it was a big part of my family life. With no boundaries we ate a lot and it was mostly unhealthy. But whilst my brothers were always skinny, I grew chubby and as you know from previous blog posts I ended up with anorexia. Now I'm not saying it was the main reason, but it was very much an underlying factor.
I don't want to deny my children of anything, yet I don't want to use food as a weapon or a comforter. In that sense I will have to have a little control over what they eat and make choices for them. I think it's about getting a good balance, I want them to enjoy food and not fear it.
But even with this they are a little fussy and have continue to rebuff my best efforts to wow them with my blending skills, preferring only to eat (although I have to say rather tempting) the mushed up stuff from a brand called Ella's Kitchen. Whilst I don't feel guilty in giving them this range as they are completely pure. I can't help feeling a bit crap that they didn't want my food.Ok at first I gave them food thicker than gruel, but then I really did try and get it to the right consistency, yet alas still no success. It's all about perseverance I guess and maybe one day we'll have a break through.
Unfortunately for my twins, I'm terribly impatient and therefore I keep trying to move the goal posts by trying to introduce more textured food, but Olivia makes it very clear that she is not ready to move forward by gagging and then throwing up everywhere with gusto - which is followed by a little giggle as if to say "you try feeding me something I'm not ready for then I'll do something you hate and that's puking."
Beau likes to let me know with a range of facial expressions ranging from surprise to utter disgust, followed by a slow release of undigested food from his mouth. If he likes something he cries when I move the spoon away from him. Olivia however, likes to bang her legs up and down on the chair and will make a little funny sound.
My dad is dying to take them to MacDonald's and I joke with him that his visits will be significantly reduced once they get old enough to eat a chip, but in all seriousness I have to make sure that I don't let my issues with food rub off on my kids.
My mum and dad thought that food was a way of expressing their love for us, they also loved their food so it was a big part of my family life. With no boundaries we ate a lot and it was mostly unhealthy. But whilst my brothers were always skinny, I grew chubby and as you know from previous blog posts I ended up with anorexia. Now I'm not saying it was the main reason, but it was very much an underlying factor.
I don't want to deny my children of anything, yet I don't want to use food as a weapon or a comforter. In that sense I will have to have a little control over what they eat and make choices for them. I think it's about getting a good balance, I want them to enjoy food and not fear it.
Monday, 14 February 2011
making a boob of big butts
Over the weekend I was reading about the girl who died after getting silicone injected into her bottom to make it look bigger. Excuse me for being a bit behind with the times, but I was still thinking that us women spend most of the time worrying that our bum looks too big!! I've been spending years in the gym doing 1000's of squats and leg lifts in the bid to create a small but pert looking mini peach of a bottom.
So where has this new trend for big butts come from?? I know we can all try and blame Beyonce or J-Lo, but I reckon if you met them in the flesh their bums would be surprisingly mediocre, it's just that they are a little bit curvier than the size 0 actresses and singers who have very little flesh on their behinds.
It's the same with some women's obsession with getting big boobs, thinking the bigger the better - but for who? surely it can't be comfortable carrying an extra half a stone on your chest?! Before I was pregnant I needed very little support as my boobs were small peaks rather than great mountains, now after pregnancy I need a bra and sports bra in the gym to stop the uncomfortable bouncing action that comes with going up two bra sizes. So god forbid trying to do anything with double D - E- F or G.
it all seems a bit topsy turvy to me, whilst we mostly strive for flat stomachs, trim waists slim legs, why then do we want our chests and bottoms to be big - doesn't that contradict what we're trying to achieve?
I hate to sound like a feminist (even though I have to say I so agree with Richard Keys and Andy Gray being sacked for their chauvinistic behaviour at Sky - knob heads) but is this ideal design of the body the concept of man?? We all know most men love a bouncy boob and a bum that they can squeeze an inch or two out of.
Even though we don't like to think or believe it, women in society are still very much concerned with what men think of them and feel that the only way to please, attract or control men is with their bodies.
Now, I 'm not a fan but Margaret Thatcher never used her womanly wiles to gain status, so why since her leadership have we not moved forward, in fact it seems now we've taken 10 steps back and boobs and butts are treated like commodities.
I'm hoping that by the time Olivia is old enough that there will be more women that she can look up to who have done more than posed for a few lads mags and slept with a number of footballers in order to make their mark on the world.
On a lighter note, the twins enjoyed a new experience the other day in the baby slings which meant they saw the world from a whole new perspective.
So where has this new trend for big butts come from?? I know we can all try and blame Beyonce or J-Lo, but I reckon if you met them in the flesh their bums would be surprisingly mediocre, it's just that they are a little bit curvier than the size 0 actresses and singers who have very little flesh on their behinds.
It's the same with some women's obsession with getting big boobs, thinking the bigger the better - but for who? surely it can't be comfortable carrying an extra half a stone on your chest?! Before I was pregnant I needed very little support as my boobs were small peaks rather than great mountains, now after pregnancy I need a bra and sports bra in the gym to stop the uncomfortable bouncing action that comes with going up two bra sizes. So god forbid trying to do anything with double D - E- F or G.
it all seems a bit topsy turvy to me, whilst we mostly strive for flat stomachs, trim waists slim legs, why then do we want our chests and bottoms to be big - doesn't that contradict what we're trying to achieve?
I hate to sound like a feminist (even though I have to say I so agree with Richard Keys and Andy Gray being sacked for their chauvinistic behaviour at Sky - knob heads) but is this ideal design of the body the concept of man?? We all know most men love a bouncy boob and a bum that they can squeeze an inch or two out of.
Even though we don't like to think or believe it, women in society are still very much concerned with what men think of them and feel that the only way to please, attract or control men is with their bodies.
Now, I 'm not a fan but Margaret Thatcher never used her womanly wiles to gain status, so why since her leadership have we not moved forward, in fact it seems now we've taken 10 steps back and boobs and butts are treated like commodities.
I'm hoping that by the time Olivia is old enough that there will be more women that she can look up to who have done more than posed for a few lads mags and slept with a number of footballers in order to make their mark on the world.
On a lighter note, the twins enjoyed a new experience the other day in the baby slings which meant they saw the world from a whole new perspective.
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
My children have not been posessed
Woke up this morning to beautiful smiles from my children and as the day progressed smiles turned into laughs and giggles so my fear of them turning into morose, un-affectionate Omen style children was completely unfounded - of course!!
It was Rhythm Time today, a 45min mish mash of song, music and dance. The woman who runs it is very sweet, but I always have to suppress my giggles as she sings everything she has to say in front of the kids, and it's all in a very tra-la-la-la la style. It does however keep the twins focused and they always watch her, although sometimes when I looked over at Olivia today I did wonder if it was more a look of confusion than enjoyment and that her little mind is thinking "why can't she just speak to me like everyone else does??!!"
As much as I hate pre-guessing the intellectual levels my children will achieve, I can't help but think Olivia is quite switched on for a tiny little thing.
Is it just me and Rick, or does everyone try and label their children by certain actions that they take. For instance, Beau is very much into moving about and trying to stand up, yet his attention span is very short and he doesn't seem to focus on anything for too long. So (and this is probably so so wrong) we presume that he will prefer the more physical aspects of life, therefore he's either going to be a football or rugby player!! Now, Olivia, she is the more reserved and observant of the two and often when she looks at you it is with a glare as if to say - "you're not funny or clever. I will not be entertained by you, please go away." This of course means we are nurturing possibly the future British Prime Minister or panelist on Dragons Den.
All this from a few months of life! Of course, we do not know what's in store for our children, but like my parents did for me, I hope to give them all the opportunities to achieve whatever it is they set out to do, as long as they are happy. One of my mum's famous quotes was "I don't care if you choose to be a bin man, as long as you're happy doing it that's all that matters." I was lucky to have been bought up in a very loving a open environment and felt comfortable in discussing things with my parents - doors were always open.
So when people commend me on my mothering skills, all I'm doing is following in some very big footsteps. I'm not sure what I believe in, but I can't help thinking that some how my mum bottled her love before she died and sprinkled it on me in my sleep when I was pregnant. It's like she is a part of me and in some ways, she's showing me the ropes. It's sad that she won't ever get to meet the twins but if I can love my children the way I know she loved me, they will, through me, understand how special their Nana Sarnie was.
It was Rhythm Time today, a 45min mish mash of song, music and dance. The woman who runs it is very sweet, but I always have to suppress my giggles as she sings everything she has to say in front of the kids, and it's all in a very tra-la-la-la la style. It does however keep the twins focused and they always watch her, although sometimes when I looked over at Olivia today I did wonder if it was more a look of confusion than enjoyment and that her little mind is thinking "why can't she just speak to me like everyone else does??!!"
As much as I hate pre-guessing the intellectual levels my children will achieve, I can't help but think Olivia is quite switched on for a tiny little thing.
Is it just me and Rick, or does everyone try and label their children by certain actions that they take. For instance, Beau is very much into moving about and trying to stand up, yet his attention span is very short and he doesn't seem to focus on anything for too long. So (and this is probably so so wrong) we presume that he will prefer the more physical aspects of life, therefore he's either going to be a football or rugby player!! Now, Olivia, she is the more reserved and observant of the two and often when she looks at you it is with a glare as if to say - "you're not funny or clever. I will not be entertained by you, please go away." This of course means we are nurturing possibly the future British Prime Minister or panelist on Dragons Den.
All this from a few months of life! Of course, we do not know what's in store for our children, but like my parents did for me, I hope to give them all the opportunities to achieve whatever it is they set out to do, as long as they are happy. One of my mum's famous quotes was "I don't care if you choose to be a bin man, as long as you're happy doing it that's all that matters." I was lucky to have been bought up in a very loving a open environment and felt comfortable in discussing things with my parents - doors were always open.
So when people commend me on my mothering skills, all I'm doing is following in some very big footsteps. I'm not sure what I believe in, but I can't help thinking that some how my mum bottled her love before she died and sprinkled it on me in my sleep when I was pregnant. It's like she is a part of me and in some ways, she's showing me the ropes. It's sad that she won't ever get to meet the twins but if I can love my children the way I know she loved me, they will, through me, understand how special their Nana Sarnie was.
Monday, 7 February 2011
The trials of being a parent
Today, I admit, I felt like downing tools and just running away. Both the kids are now poorly and this in turn makes them a little grumpy and nothing I did seemed to be able to comfort them. I honestly felt like I was being pushed away by them. Of course this is probably not the case, but when you can't raise a smile from your child or they look at you as if to say "Why aren't you doing anything to help me?", it's hard not to take it personally. I don't think I've ever had a thick skin, the slightest nick, I cry and want to give up. Well today I got cut.
I knew before we had children that it was going to be a bumpy ride but there is honestly no book or manual that can really help you deal with or prepare for how to bring up you children successfully, there is no perfect solution. Things can go swimmingly for a while and then WHAM, something slam dunks you like Big Daddy in his hey day.
So ensues the doubt - am I really a good mum?(please I'm not saying this for sympathy) do they really like me? - are they getting bad vibes from me?. This then, I feel, makes me over compensate and probably overwhelm them with affection. Perhaps they don't like to be touched so much, but then that upsets me because then I think what if I have children that don't like being hugged or kissed - I think my body would explode if I couldn't give out cuddles!!
It just all got too much today and I honestly thought for a while that I couldn't cope. I love to give over this sense of being a supermum and it's great that people around me think I'm doing a great job, but it doesn't stop me from feeling that I can always do better and that there's something that I am missing.
When I was younger, no, I would say right up until I had the twins, if I ever got myself into a situation where I couldn't cope or didn't think I was doing a good enough job my solution was to always walk away, which often meant to my detriment as I ended up missing out on something or looking back with deep regret and the opportunities I could've had. With kids that is not an option - which in a way is a good thing I guess because it means I can't give up, I have to put on my armour and be brave.
To try and get rid of a bit of stress, I went to the gym and whilst on the bike I watched Jeremy Kyle (I know I feel dirty!) It actually did wonders for my confidence in being a mum because some of the women that insist that they're good mothers come on with very messy stories that their children are probably witness too and to me makes out for a rather unsettled home.
Deep down I know I'm doing ok and that this is just a mini bump, but it leaves me wondering how I'll cope when we have bigger mountains and tougher climbs to face. Fortunately, unlike some of those mums on Jeremy Kyle, I've got a huge support system around me and Rick is an amazing dad, so even if I do slip or loose my grip a little, I have the plenty of rope to hold on to.
I knew before we had children that it was going to be a bumpy ride but there is honestly no book or manual that can really help you deal with or prepare for how to bring up you children successfully, there is no perfect solution. Things can go swimmingly for a while and then WHAM, something slam dunks you like Big Daddy in his hey day.
So ensues the doubt - am I really a good mum?(please I'm not saying this for sympathy) do they really like me? - are they getting bad vibes from me?. This then, I feel, makes me over compensate and probably overwhelm them with affection. Perhaps they don't like to be touched so much, but then that upsets me because then I think what if I have children that don't like being hugged or kissed - I think my body would explode if I couldn't give out cuddles!!
It just all got too much today and I honestly thought for a while that I couldn't cope. I love to give over this sense of being a supermum and it's great that people around me think I'm doing a great job, but it doesn't stop me from feeling that I can always do better and that there's something that I am missing.
When I was younger, no, I would say right up until I had the twins, if I ever got myself into a situation where I couldn't cope or didn't think I was doing a good enough job my solution was to always walk away, which often meant to my detriment as I ended up missing out on something or looking back with deep regret and the opportunities I could've had. With kids that is not an option - which in a way is a good thing I guess because it means I can't give up, I have to put on my armour and be brave.
To try and get rid of a bit of stress, I went to the gym and whilst on the bike I watched Jeremy Kyle (I know I feel dirty!) It actually did wonders for my confidence in being a mum because some of the women that insist that they're good mothers come on with very messy stories that their children are probably witness too and to me makes out for a rather unsettled home.
Deep down I know I'm doing ok and that this is just a mini bump, but it leaves me wondering how I'll cope when we have bigger mountains and tougher climbs to face. Fortunately, unlike some of those mums on Jeremy Kyle, I've got a huge support system around me and Rick is an amazing dad, so even if I do slip or loose my grip a little, I have the plenty of rope to hold on to.
Thursday, 3 February 2011
A mother's fear
Beau was violently sick and a had a bad case of diarrhea in the last night and I hate to admit it but the normal cool, calm momma V lost it a little and was over come with panic. I have a phobia about vomit anyway, but seeing my little boy spew up like a river that burst it's dam really made my heart rate soar.
I think I just associate my fear of the sick stuff with those that are sick around me (not many are because I've usually run a mile before they do so), but I think it was more to the fact that I felt so helpless and then you just start going over in your head what this sickness might be and what it could lead to and then the mind just goes in to free fall and you have to work really hard to reign it back in again.
I never knew that motherhood could be so empowering yet debilitating both at the same time. In many ways becoming a mother has made me a much stronger person, more self assured in a way, but then there's a little part of me in my mind that I can see rocking back and forwards, twisting my fingers in knots with the angst that I feel when I think about the safety and well being of my children. This may be a bit morbid but I have run through my head many times the thought of losing my children, trying to tell myself that I'll cope and just move on with life, but I know that won't happen.
Being a mother really pushes you and your mind to the limit and forces you to find an inner strength that you never knew you had because there will be times in your child's life when you have to swim like a swan - looking graceful and calm, whilst underneath it all you're kicking like crazy to keep afloat.
My kids are going to get sick over the years that is a fact of life and I'm just going to have to keep taking lots of deep breathes and maybe a chill pill or two, but if I didn't feel that angst then what kind of mum would I be.
This love is a painful and heart / gut wrenching kind of love, but it's a love that has and still does make me a stronger person. It's helps me deal with my demons and melted the ice that was setting around my heart.
I'm happy to report that Beau is very much on the mend and it was probably just a 24 hour thing, before we put him to bed he was back to his usual bouncy bubbly Beau.
I think I just associate my fear of the sick stuff with those that are sick around me (not many are because I've usually run a mile before they do so), but I think it was more to the fact that I felt so helpless and then you just start going over in your head what this sickness might be and what it could lead to and then the mind just goes in to free fall and you have to work really hard to reign it back in again.
I never knew that motherhood could be so empowering yet debilitating both at the same time. In many ways becoming a mother has made me a much stronger person, more self assured in a way, but then there's a little part of me in my mind that I can see rocking back and forwards, twisting my fingers in knots with the angst that I feel when I think about the safety and well being of my children. This may be a bit morbid but I have run through my head many times the thought of losing my children, trying to tell myself that I'll cope and just move on with life, but I know that won't happen.
Being a mother really pushes you and your mind to the limit and forces you to find an inner strength that you never knew you had because there will be times in your child's life when you have to swim like a swan - looking graceful and calm, whilst underneath it all you're kicking like crazy to keep afloat.
My kids are going to get sick over the years that is a fact of life and I'm just going to have to keep taking lots of deep breathes and maybe a chill pill or two, but if I didn't feel that angst then what kind of mum would I be.
This love is a painful and heart / gut wrenching kind of love, but it's a love that has and still does make me a stronger person. It's helps me deal with my demons and melted the ice that was setting around my heart.
I'm happy to report that Beau is very much on the mend and it was probably just a 24 hour thing, before we put him to bed he was back to his usual bouncy bubbly Beau.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)