The first year

Wow, just realised that my last blog was all the way back in May. Has it really been that long??!!

Even though my days are pretty much predictable, time has gone quite fast. The twins have celebrated their first birthday, been on their first big holiday and accomplished various milestones

I can't even really remember what they were like when they were small, I just get little snippets from time to time, which I try to piece together like a Guy Ritchie movie.

You always read about gushing mothers who remember where and when their babies started to crawl or ate their first piece of proper food etc etc, but to be honest everything just tumbles into the next and you lose track of significant events.

I'd be lying if I said it has been 100% wonderful and that motherhood has been complete bliss. I have actually really struggled, not in the sense of coping because I have a wonderful support unit around me, but more in the sense of coming to terms with my new life and accepting change.

To have twins is a complete blessing, absolutely, but it was such a shock to the system when I realised how much children engulf your life. It's like a complete tidal wave. Although they are not actually attached to you, there is this invisible connection in which it feels as though my heart is beating for theirs, my mind is thinking for them and I feel every scrap, scrape, pain and illness that they have to endure. Of course, I can kiss the little cuts and banged heads, but when I have been unable to "mend" things the feeling of failure is hard to push away

For instance, Beau had a terrible tummy bug for at the end of July. He was first poorly on a weekend with friends and then it continued a few days later when we went on holiday to Ireland. Being a tummy bug, he was  obviously sick. Unfortunately I have an ridiculously silly phobia of vomit (I've not being sick since I was 7 years old..or eaten a Beef and Tomato Pot Noodle!). If this had been Rick, I would've stuck a bin next to him and run out the room, but this is a baby and they don't wait for bins or bowls. No folks, this was a case of suck it up (not literally) and stick it out.

I will be honest here though and say that whilst I coped OK with the projectile vomit on my clothes, there were times when I was afraid to go near my own son because I was worried he might be sick again (many times he was) So Rick had to take the helm a lot of the time and I don't think there was an item of clothing of his that remained untouched by vomit. It's not surprising then that Beau and Rick developed a deeper bond during that time.

a poorly Beau

It wasn't just the vomiting I was so unnerved by but also Beau's listlessness at times, it made me see how vulnerable a child really is, but not just any child, my child and, reader, I admit, I just crumbled. The whole thing sent me into one of those hyperventilating, panicky mums that I never thought I would be. So I'm left with the uncomfortable feeling that I was not a good mum and that Beau sensed my unease with his illness.

And that is a constant source of conflict within my brain, am I being a good enough mum? Am I giving it my all, 100%?? There's no teachers to grade you and no boxes to tick, so how do you ever know??

So enough of the negative energy I hear you so..Ok, let me inform you of the highlights of the last year

• Watching Rick change his first nappy..he was sweating
• Walking out of hospital with two baby carriers
• Lying on a play mat in between my two babies whilst they kicked their legs up in the air and gurgled
• Watching them discover their hands and feet
• Midnight feeds with each twin individually - playing them lullabies and holding them until they went to sleep
• Seeing their smiles 
• Hearing them laugh and continuing to love every time they laugh
• Watching Olivia as she teaches herself to read (swear to God)
• Beau's commando style crawling
• Every morning seeing them smile when we come to get them out of bed
• Being told that we have very well behaved children
• Listening to the funny little noises that they make as they discover their vocal cords
• teaching Beau and Olivia how to give kisses 
• Watching and listening as they learn to interact with each other

I'm sure there have been many many more, but not all come to mind

I'm excited about the next year as we will really begin to see are little ones grow and develop their own personalities. 

I love hearing their noise in the house, it's so comforting, will I be saying they can actually talk and start making sense..hmmmm???

The intention is to keep this blog updated with not just their progress, but mine too.