Praise be is not for me..but I did get The Help

Took the kids to a thing called praise and play at the local church the other day. But aren't you Jewish?? some of you may gasp. Yes I am Jewish but I'll also try anything that will keep the twins entertained for an hour or so.

However, whilst I appreciate there obviously had to be some religious content involved hence the word "praise", I was a little uncomfortable with how much emphasis there was on the whole "praise be to God thing" not that my kids took any notice of what was being said, Beau was too busy charging (well fast crawling) up the aisle and onto the altar (I had fears by the look of some women that both Beau and myself might be struck by lightening). Olivia mean while was just pointing at everything (that's her new thing).

There were quite a few mothers with children there but I think they may have gone to this with the same motive and that is to get out the house and be in the presence of adult company. So the whole thing felt a bit like a sham really, or dare I say it like a trap - "We're letting your children run amok in our church, you're drinking our (watery)coffee, eating our (cheap) biscuits, so YOU MUST LOVE  Jesus". Don't get me wrong they weren't spewing venom or chanting or anything like that, they were all lovely old dears. I just wasn't at ease with the environment. 

So we again we go in search of some sort of engaging activity for me and the twins to attend.

A luxury of mine, well no it's a necessity, is to read a book when I go to bed, I can't go to sleep unless I've read a few pages of something. I normally have about 3 books on the go. By reading, it gives me a chance to switch off and pull away from everything that is going on in my mind, it's like I can shut the door of one part of my brain for a while or wind down the clogs.

I've just finished reading The Help by Kathryn Stocket. It's based in Mississippi in the 1960's and is based around three women,  Skeeter, a young white woman called Skeeter and two black maids Aibleen and Minny).They have been united by Skeeters idea to write a book about what it really feels like to be a domestic servant in white southern households. This obviously was a very taboo subject back then and could put all these ladies lives at risk. 

As I read on through the book I could sense the tension and fear that all these women felt, but at the same time, the pride, tenacity and commitment to each other to get this book together. It not only covers political and racial issues, but also explores the relationships between mother / daughters, friends and care givers. There are many poignant moments which will make you laugh, cry and maybe growl a little.

I enjoyed it so much I finished in under two weeks (yes I know some people can read a book in two days, but not when you only have time to read for 20 minutes a day!) The film is coming out soon but I definitely recommend you read the book first.

The first year

Wow, just realised that my last blog was all the way back in May. Has it really been that long??!!

Even though my days are pretty much predictable, time has gone quite fast. The twins have celebrated their first birthday, been on their first big holiday and accomplished various milestones

I can't even really remember what they were like when they were small, I just get little snippets from time to time, which I try to piece together like a Guy Ritchie movie.

You always read about gushing mothers who remember where and when their babies started to crawl or ate their first piece of proper food etc etc, but to be honest everything just tumbles into the next and you lose track of significant events.

I'd be lying if I said it has been 100% wonderful and that motherhood has been complete bliss. I have actually really struggled, not in the sense of coping because I have a wonderful support unit around me, but more in the sense of coming to terms with my new life and accepting change.

To have twins is a complete blessing, absolutely, but it was such a shock to the system when I realised how much children engulf your life. It's like a complete tidal wave. Although they are not actually attached to you, there is this invisible connection in which it feels as though my heart is beating for theirs, my mind is thinking for them and I feel every scrap, scrape, pain and illness that they have to endure. Of course, I can kiss the little cuts and banged heads, but when I have been unable to "mend" things the feeling of failure is hard to push away

For instance, Beau had a terrible tummy bug for at the end of July. He was first poorly on a weekend with friends and then it continued a few days later when we went on holiday to Ireland. Being a tummy bug, he was  obviously sick. Unfortunately I have an ridiculously silly phobia of vomit (I've not being sick since I was 7 years old..or eaten a Beef and Tomato Pot Noodle!). If this had been Rick, I would've stuck a bin next to him and run out the room, but this is a baby and they don't wait for bins or bowls. No folks, this was a case of suck it up (not literally) and stick it out.

I will be honest here though and say that whilst I coped OK with the projectile vomit on my clothes, there were times when I was afraid to go near my own son because I was worried he might be sick again (many times he was) So Rick had to take the helm a lot of the time and I don't think there was an item of clothing of his that remained untouched by vomit. It's not surprising then that Beau and Rick developed a deeper bond during that time.

a poorly Beau

It wasn't just the vomiting I was so unnerved by but also Beau's listlessness at times, it made me see how vulnerable a child really is, but not just any child, my child and, reader, I admit, I just crumbled. The whole thing sent me into one of those hyperventilating, panicky mums that I never thought I would be. So I'm left with the uncomfortable feeling that I was not a good mum and that Beau sensed my unease with his illness.

And that is a constant source of conflict within my brain, am I being a good enough mum? Am I giving it my all, 100%?? There's no teachers to grade you and no boxes to tick, so how do you ever know??

So enough of the negative energy I hear you so..Ok, let me inform you of the highlights of the last year

• Watching Rick change his first nappy..he was sweating
• Walking out of hospital with two baby carriers
• Lying on a play mat in between my two babies whilst they kicked their legs up in the air and gurgled
• Watching them discover their hands and feet
• Midnight feeds with each twin individually - playing them lullabies and holding them until they went to sleep
• Seeing their smiles 
• Hearing them laugh and continuing to love every time they laugh
• Watching Olivia as she teaches herself to read (swear to God)
• Beau's commando style crawling
• Every morning seeing them smile when we come to get them out of bed
• Being told that we have very well behaved children
• Listening to the funny little noises that they make as they discover their vocal cords
• teaching Beau and Olivia how to give kisses 
• Watching and listening as they learn to interact with each other

I'm sure there have been many many more, but not all come to mind

I'm excited about the next year as we will really begin to see are little ones grow and develop their own personalities. 

I love hearing their noise in the house, it's so comforting, will I be saying they can actually talk and start making sense..hmmmm???

The intention is to keep this blog updated with not just their progress, but mine too.

Baby genius' or not??!!

It suddenly entered my head today that I may be a bad parent, well no, that's not quite right, I just feel that I'm not doing enough to stimulate them or encourage their development. I won't deny that we let them watch television quite a bit, but it is Baby TV and it's full of colours, shapes, song, numbers etc etc. I read to them up to twice a day and try and play little games with them, but I soon run out of steam or ideas and end up switching on the TV again.

I didn't think I'd feel the pressure to ensure that my children would be early starters or little genius', but I can't help but compare them to other babies their age, and I also actually compare the both of them together. Beau is so much more active and is now crawling, where as Olivia refuses to budge off her backside and. However Olivia seems to be the one who is more in tune with her emotions and the world around her, Beau is
completely oblivious to anything.

Many people have the notion that twins are practically duplicates and are one and the same, but from our experience it couldn't be more different. They are the complete opposites of each other. Beau is a big sleeper, he can fall asleep at the click of your fingers unlike Olivia who fights sleep to the last breath. She likes books and being read to, but he wonders off after the first page. In social situations Beau is more outgoing and Olivia just sits and looks moody. She is just so much more intense. I just have visions of her dressing in black and telling me she hates everyone including me by the time she gets to 15!!

Having two kids has been an eye opener into a child's development in that mile stones come at different times and not necessarily in the same order, so it's hard not to worry when one of the kids does something but then the other show not sign of following suit and I have to draw myself back from the brink of become and maniacal mother.

I think I have to stop looking at those books and websites that tell me where my children should be at for their age - it's pretty much a compare and contrast situation, where you mentally tick a box in your head hoping that all those boxes are ticked and then you spend the next few days frantically treat your child like a toy robot, trying to fine tune them to add on a new skill, like clapping hands or saying mama /dada, only to have them look back at you as though you have lost the plot (which we probably have)

Some days, I just go with the flow and relish the joys of motherhood, other days I can despair of the fact that I did exactly the same as the day before and the day before that. Routine is good for the kids, it works, but it often feels like groundhog day without the comedic value of Bill Murray!!

I hope I don't seem ungrateful, I'm not, I know how lucky I am to be blessed with two beautiful children who make me very very happy. It's not them that is the issue, it's more the pressure that is put upon us to follow guidelines, routines and structures to ensure that our children flourish and become model children.

Being a parent really is like being in maze, you think you've found the way and things look promising but then you hit a wall and you have to turn around and find another way to go.  And all this time you're trying to figure out how to do right by your children, you are trying to hold on to the person that you were before and trying to adapt to all the changes that you have had to make, which can some times make being a parent a little harder.

However, every morning my children beam with excitement when they see me, they like to nuzzle my neck and give me kisses and they cry for me when they want some company. Now, when they stop doing that, that's when I should really worry!!

A parents instinct

Now that the twins are a little bit more active, life has become a bit busier and days a bit longer, so writing has once more taken to the sidelines and makes less of an appearance than Wayne Rooney's hair!

But tonight I'm making an effort because it's something that I've been thinking about for a couple of days

I was reading a little bit from an extract of Kate McCann's book in The Sun (now is not a time to judge my reading material) and I suddenly realised that now I am a mother of my own kids, my feelings towards the whole situation has changed. In the years BOB (before Olivia and Beau) I was one of those to jump on my high horse and say how senseless they were as parents to leave their children in a room on their own that is not within easy reach. Yet now I can truly see their thought process. 

You develop a certain sixth sense when your child is born, a natural instinct for what they need, what's right for them and what they need from you just grows. Then you start to take that instinct for granted and you feel that you are totally in control and that your child is safe. For those that are parents, just take a moment and think about it, every day we make decisions that could potentially put our children in danger. For example, I take the kids for a walk every day and sometimes when I come back I leave the kids in the pram in the back garden - our private area. Also, we don't lock the front door during the day and the kids are a few feet away from the door. When I've been shopping I've turned away many times from my pram. In all these instances someone could've taken my children, but maybe naively I developed this certainty in my head that it won't happen to me because I'm in control of the situation.

I can only guess that this was the way the McCann’s felt on that fateful night. As parents they trusted their instincts, was that wrong?? The decision they made, I think, was not flippant, but discussed with best intentions in mind.

Although I never laid blame at the feet of the McCann's, I now have so much more empathy with their situation, for this will effect them not only as parents but as people, making choices and decisions without fearing the outcome, no matter how big or little it may be.  

To lose a child is goes beyond the scale of pain I think. The other week me and Rick were sat downstairs having put the kids to bed. It must have been maybe an hour after we had done so, suddenly the alarm went off on the respiratory sensory monitor. This means no heartbeat is being detected. We both flew up the stairs and fortunately it was just that Beau was now moving around the cot and had moved off the monitor. When I tried to move away from his cot I found my legs would not move and I just collapsed, I nearly puked and felt like I could not breathe. It honestly took  me the rest of the night to get over the shock. Now, there was a false alarm - God forbid something really had happened.

From what I have seen of Kate McCann, she has shown great strength and dignity and I hope that someone out there really does know what happened to Madeline and will come forward and help her and her family.

find Madeleine

Beau is all action

So we're now entering a new phase of parenthood - Beau is starting to crawl and we are now trying to teach him the word 'no', as nothing that is not nailed down is safe from the clutches of our little Beau. Thankfully Olivia chooses to remain sat on her cute little tush and shows no ambition to move never mind crawl, which is a good job as we spending most of our time chasing after Beau, who currently adapts a commando style crawl (but very fast) on his elbows.

and cd cases seem to put him in a hypnotic trance, telling him to wriggle over and pull them out to freedom. The size of an object does not put him off, chairs and tables have been on the hit list, fortunately he gives in after a few seconds and instead decides to practice his action man rolls.

It's amazing to watch them develop, both in their own different ways. They both have their own little personalites now and we are hopefully tuning in and adapting to their needs.

I do sometimes worry that they will not love me like I love them, I don't think I could bear it if I had a child that wasn't affectionate. It's in my nature to give big hugs and lots of touching, I come from a very tactile family. My dad was always cuddling and kissing me and resting on my mum's chest  (she had boobies like big fluffy pillows) or lap was probably my most favourite places to be when I was little.

If I don't get a smile from them, I feel a little pang of sadness but have to tell myself not to take it personally. I think I fear of it being a reflection on me as a mum. I'm constantly thinking about how much I'm doing for them, do I read to them enough, play with them enough, talk to them enough??  Oh and don't get me started on the mine field that is feeding - am I giving them too little too much. I could literally sit up all night fretting over all of it.

Sometimes, the intensity of it all gets to me and I wish I could stop time for a day, just to get my head around everything, be calm and take a breath. Since the twins were born it feels like I've been submerged in motherhood and it can feel a little like I'm drowning at times and I need to come up for air, but perhaps I need to learn to breathe when under.

Again, I must reiterate, I love being a mum, it's the most powerful and wonderful feeling in the world, but I still mourn for my life previous - no matter how unadventurous, exciting it was. But like most grief you soon learn to let go and move on.

teeth, jelly belly and love

Think I forgot to mention the other day that the twins now have to little teeth on the bottom set. Olivia got hers first, it was like at 9am nothing was there and then at around 12pm she opened her mouth and there they were! Beau's came a week or so later and now they both look like gummy baby pensioners - our little Benjamin and Benjamima button.

Their vocab has progressed from da da da to buh buh buh (Beau) and Ruh ruh ruh, grrr grrr, ahh ahhh ahhhhhhh (Olivia) It's funny that no matter how many times I here them it always makes me giggle. I can't wait until they say their first words, hopefully one will begin with m and finish with y.

My exercise routine of late is a bit sporadic which has had dire consequences on my body - there's only so many excuses 1, body changes after having babies. 2, metabolism changes after  having babies, 3, too busy with babies after having babies. No basically, before I had the twins I was exercising every day for at least 2 hrs, now I exercise 3 days a week, if lucky maybe 4, but nothing like the intensity I once did. The thing is, I'm probably still eating just as much though and quite late I night (10pm). I feel utterly horrid, today I sat down and felt my stomach roll over my jeans. When I slide my jeans off, I can feel my back fat do a little tremble as my clothes pass by.

Some of you may scoff and possibly sneer because to you I may look slim, but I know the difference and I feel so uncomfortable, even going to the gym yesterday couldn't shake off this feeling.

So, we're off to Wales this weekend and there I intend to start my new regime, don' know what it is yet, but something has to change as I'm pretty miserable.

Not been a  great week really, Me and Rick didn't talk for a couple of days, which derived from tiredness and frustration. We had a bad night with Olivia, she would only go to sleep if we held her but as soon as we put her down, she screamed - not just cried - screamed. We were taking it in turns but it gets to the point that it's so many times that you start arguing about whose been up the most and then it leads on to who does what and more of.

Having babies is a real test on your relationship, both partners have to make sacrifices and it's hard not to wind each other up when you haven't had a full nights sleep for about 9 months. Some times it's really difficult to find the time to talk, so things build up and then get a little sour and you find that you have start from scratch again and try and compromise or find a solution that suits both.

Having children does enrich a relationship, it gives you new things to look forward to, but it can also take things away from you as a couple as you get so caught up in the lives of your children. I'm scared of losing that closeness that we have, it's very easy to let that drift away when you have another (be it important) focus.

My mum and dad were great parents and clearly loved each other, but their lives revolved around me and my two brothers. Dad worked hard to give us a nice life and mum devoted herself to being a good mum emotionally. I just wonder how much of an impact that we had on their relationship and had mum still been alive what things would be like for them after we all moved out. Would they have to get to know each other again - would they still have things in common, would they be the same people?

Of course, no relationship is perfect, so they say, and I think you have to work hard at it, but not for kids - for each other, because at the end of the day you only have each other and I know I can only really rely on Rick and I hope that he feels the same way.

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you."
~A.A. Milne

Me again - lost

Ok, so it's been a while since you heard from me. I wish I could give you some dramatic and worthy excuse but basically it just comes down to sheer bloody exhaustion and laziness. By the time I get the opportunity to sit down at night and write this, my brain seems to be cloudy and my arms have lost the will to work!!

I wouldn't mind but it's not that life is particularly taxing, I'm not working, I'm a stay at home mum, I feed, change, play and walk the kids, oh and I try and fit in a gym session here and there with the energy I have left. It doesn't seem like much but this routine is all day every day and it can be draining physically, emotionally, mentally.

Don't get me wrong, I love my kids to bits and my life is much better with them in it, but I sometimes feel like a robotic version of the person that I used to be, I have no brain just an on and off switch, that if left on can sometimes overheat, explode, make errors and run out of power.

The final nail came this week when I or Rick discovered (I "accidentally" forget to open post with Barclays logo on front!!) that I was overdrawn and indeed now have no money. My fault entirely, I replaced 3 hour gym sessions with 2 hour shopping session every other day ( well what else can you do when you need to get your kids to sleep and the best way is to push them round in a pram?) Thing is, I wasn't even blowing it on designer labels and bling, just Tescos and Sainsbury's finest food ranges and obscure as well as expensive foods that you can only find in health food shops. Also, ask me anything about the world of celebrity as I also developed a obsession for trashy magazines, I feel that Katie, Peter and Kerry are like my best friends!!

There was an article by Bel Mooney in the Daily Mail recently in which broadcaster Kirsty Young spoke about some women feel like they lose their identity when they become mums - like a "non-person". Now, I've never really been a high flyer and my career path has had more twists and turns than Lindsay Lohan's! But the article really reflected how I feel.

Being a mum is great and I know that I am very lucky to have two such adorable babies.

There are so many women out there who would give anything to be a mum but are unable due to different circumstances to be one. But it doesn't complete me - is that really wrong to say? I would do anything for my children and it sends me into a tizz when I think about not being there for them, yet at the same time I feel like part of ME has died inside and I'm withering a little. So when I found out that I was broke, it kind of made me feel like I had been wiped out - like I no longer exist.

It's hard when I look on Face book and see many of my friends getting on with their lives, some travelling, some with amazing jobs and exploring brilliant opportunities and then I think, what have I got to offer - the most exciting thing for me in the last couple of weeks is discovering that there's another little path through the woods where I walk the kids, which means I'm not doing the same walk every day!

God, I must sound very ungrateful and the worlds worst mum, but if you took my kids away from me tomorrow I would drop down dead on the spot. I just want to find a way to be a good mother without losing myself.

Enough about me - I think you want to hear a bit about the twins. Well, they are now 9 moths old and bulking up quite nicely, although Olivia is still a diddy little thing and is continues to be able to fit into clothes that are labelled 3-6 months! However, she may be small but she has a very big presence. We call her Lady O as she likes to be looked after and waited on, but she also knows what she wants and when. Her eyes do all the talking and she has two kinds of looks, one that melts your heart and another that could cut steel.

Beau is like a big ball of energy still and is just on the cusp of crawling, yet at the moment his little legs just can't quite get to grips with things and he can only make do with humping the floor! He is a happy little chappy and very easily pleased, stick him in the baby bouncer  and he can entertain himself for a very long time.

They are just about starting to interact with one other - be it pulling at tops, poking, prodding and hitting each other in the face but we see that as a step forward!

Right now, I'm still able to catch a little time to sit down, eat and read for half an hour but I have a feeling that that time will soon come to an end and I'll be spending most of the day chasing after my two tazmanian devils in a bid to save furniture, electrical equipment and anything else that is within easy reach of two sets of little dirty hands! But those are the times that I'm looking forward too (gulp!!)