Ok, so on November 18th, I found out that I am pregnant with twins. It's hard to tell you what went through my head because actually I think I almost blanked out. For about 30 secs I just lay there staring at the ceiling not really able to take in the word twins.
For a start I had gone for the appointment that day wondering whthere I would be pregnant at all. I did 2 pregnancy tests and they both said pregnant, but still there's a little niggle in my mind that they could be wrong, and also, after all my body had been through I wasn't sure whether or not I'd actually ever be able to concieve.
You see, I have a long history of eating disorders. I'm 31 one, but from the age of 13, I have battled on and off with anorexia, bullimia and excessive exercising. From that my periods went from intermittent to non-exitent and from the age of 24 I have not had a period AT ALL. I was told that my ovaries were dormant.
I would say that only 6 months ago I was in the grips of one of my worst periods with an eating disorder. I was taking both laxatives and exercising for over 3hrs a day - sometime 5-6 days a week. I was probably the thinnest that I had been since my first initial experience with an eating disorder at 13 - that time I ended up in hospital for 3 months with my parents being told that I could be weeks away from death. As an adult no one has that same control over you so, there was no doctor telling my boyfriend and my dad did not have the authority to send me back to hospital. But both knew I was verging on the abyss with this illness and it was causing a major crack in relationships.
Like every time before, I poo-poo'd getting any help and I chose to fight it myself. I can't be doing with counselling and therapy. I'm a very open person and would just as easily tell my friends the stuff I would tell a counsellor and it would cost me nothing.
This time I knew that one thing that would perhaps push me back in a positive direction was the thought of being responsible for someone else, that someone else being a baby.
My boyfriend is a little older than me anyway and was keen not to be an "old" dad and we had spoken so often about it - but his thoughts were always that I didn't want children - mainly because of the issues with my body. And yes, if honest he was probably right for a very long time. But now, I wanted to feel like a woman, something that I never really felt like. For years I had remained that same little 13 year old who entered a long, and sometimes destructive battle with her mind and body.
Getting pregnant was going to be no easy ride for me. To start with, how could I get pregnant if I had no period?! To combat this I started a course of menopur injections, which contains an ingrediant that helps stimulate the ovaries and jump starts the cycle. This medicine is used to stimulate the development of a mature follicle and when this happens its time to try for babies. At first - obviously its fun, but some how it becomes more clinical and the pressure was on my man to perform, which can lead to a bit of frustration on both parties.
We went through the process twice un-sucessfully, but on November 4, I took the first pregnancy test and a faint positive line came up - it was however a kit I'd bought for £2 - so I pushed out the boat and paid £10 for an electronic tester. This time, within 2 minutes, I saw PREGNANT on the screen.
I literally felt like I'd run into a brick wall. It was really happening..it had happened..my body wasn't a waste land. Once the numbness dies away, a whole host of emotions run through you so quickly it's hard to keep up with how you feel - excited-scared-frightened-exstatic-shocked-sick-nervous-happy..it's endless.
I did however know that this was going to be another battle that I was going to have to face and I was going to be fighting it not just for me but a little person insode my stomach. My issues with food and exercise were still there. I still exercised for at least 2hrs every day, 6 days a week and my nutritional intake was ok and I was eating good amounts but burning a lot of it off. This I knew was going to have to change -but it wasn't going to be easy. My heart was saying slow down now, get this sorted but my head was saying - oh oh be careful, this is going to effect you BIG time.
Eating disorder make a person selfish and I was going to have to over come this selfishness if I wanted to have a healthy baby and at worst - keep hold of it for 9 months.
I talk about it as if this is something that I went through but actually this is happening now. I feel this way now and it has been a struggle I will admit.
Then finding out it's actually twins - well this is a whole new dimension - I now have two peopple to protect not just from the world but from their mothers illness. I almost let it destroy me, there's no way that I can let it destroy them.
This is going to be a very emotional journey for me. My thoughts right now are hoping that I will get past the first 12 weeks and that I will still be writing this blog 9 months from now talking about how my bump is growing.
I am extremely nervous and almost feel like I'm jinixing myself right now in writing this blog, but I can't brush it under the carpet and pretend its not there, however right now we're keeping the pregnancy under wraps from people so this is my way of voicing my fears and concerns.
There are probably many women on the same miracle journey as me right now and hopefully you will be able to identify with me and my blog.