Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Beau is all action

So we're now entering a new phase of parenthood - Beau is starting to crawl and we are now trying to teach him the word 'no', as nothing that is not nailed down is safe from the clutches of our little Beau. Thankfully Olivia chooses to remain sat on her cute little tush and shows no ambition to move never mind crawl, which is a good job as we spending most of our time chasing after Beau, who currently adapts a commando style crawl (but very fast) on his elbows.

and cd cases seem to put him in a hypnotic trance, telling him to wriggle over and pull them out to freedom. The size of an object does not put him off, chairs and tables have been on the hit list, fortunately he gives in after a few seconds and instead decides to practice his action man rolls.

It's amazing to watch them develop, both in their own different ways. They both have their own little personalites now and we are hopefully tuning in and adapting to their needs.

I do sometimes worry that they will not love me like I love them, I don't think I could bear it if I had a child that wasn't affectionate. It's in my nature to give big hugs and lots of touching, I come from a very tactile family. My dad was always cuddling and kissing me and resting on my mum's chest  (she had boobies like big fluffy pillows) or lap was probably my most favourite places to be when I was little.

If I don't get a smile from them, I feel a little pang of sadness but have to tell myself not to take it personally. I think I fear of it being a reflection on me as a mum. I'm constantly thinking about how much I'm doing for them, do I read to them enough, play with them enough, talk to them enough??  Oh and don't get me started on the mine field that is feeding - am I giving them too little too much. I could literally sit up all night fretting over all of it.

Sometimes, the intensity of it all gets to me and I wish I could stop time for a day, just to get my head around everything, be calm and take a breath. Since the twins were born it feels like I've been submerged in motherhood and it can feel a little like I'm drowning at times and I need to come up for air, but perhaps I need to learn to breathe when under.

Again, I must reiterate, I love being a mum, it's the most powerful and wonderful feeling in the world, but I still mourn for my life previous - no matter how unadventurous, exciting it was. But like most grief you soon learn to let go and move on.

Thursday, 7 April 2011

teeth, jelly belly and love

Think I forgot to mention the other day that the twins now have to little teeth on the bottom set. Olivia got hers first, it was like at 9am nothing was there and then at around 12pm she opened her mouth and there they were! Beau's came a week or so later and now they both look like gummy baby pensioners - our little Benjamin and Benjamima button.

Their vocab has progressed from da da da to buh buh buh (Beau) and Ruh ruh ruh, grrr grrr, ahh ahhh ahhhhhhh (Olivia) It's funny that no matter how many times I here them it always makes me giggle. I can't wait until they say their first words, hopefully one will begin with m and finish with y.

My exercise routine of late is a bit sporadic which has had dire consequences on my body - there's only so many excuses 1, body changes after having babies. 2, metabolism changes after  having babies, 3, too busy with babies after having babies. No basically, before I had the twins I was exercising every day for at least 2 hrs, now I exercise 3 days a week, if lucky maybe 4, but nothing like the intensity I once did. The thing is, I'm probably still eating just as much though and quite late I night (10pm). I feel utterly horrid, today I sat down and felt my stomach roll over my jeans. When I slide my jeans off, I can feel my back fat do a little tremble as my clothes pass by.

Some of you may scoff and possibly sneer because to you I may look slim, but I know the difference and I feel so uncomfortable, even going to the gym yesterday couldn't shake off this feeling.

So, we're off to Wales this weekend and there I intend to start my new regime, don' know what it is yet, but something has to change as I'm pretty miserable.

Not been a  great week really, Me and Rick didn't talk for a couple of days, which derived from tiredness and frustration. We had a bad night with Olivia, she would only go to sleep if we held her but as soon as we put her down, she screamed - not just cried - screamed. We were taking it in turns but it gets to the point that it's so many times that you start arguing about whose been up the most and then it leads on to who does what and more of.

Having babies is a real test on your relationship, both partners have to make sacrifices and it's hard not to wind each other up when you haven't had a full nights sleep for about 9 months. Some times it's really difficult to find the time to talk, so things build up and then get a little sour and you find that you have start from scratch again and try and compromise or find a solution that suits both.

Having children does enrich a relationship, it gives you new things to look forward to, but it can also take things away from you as a couple as you get so caught up in the lives of your children. I'm scared of losing that closeness that we have, it's very easy to let that drift away when you have another (be it important) focus.

My mum and dad were great parents and clearly loved each other, but their lives revolved around me and my two brothers. Dad worked hard to give us a nice life and mum devoted herself to being a good mum emotionally. I just wonder how much of an impact that we had on their relationship and had mum still been alive what things would be like for them after we all moved out. Would they have to get to know each other again - would they still have things in common, would they be the same people?

Of course, no relationship is perfect, so they say, and I think you have to work hard at it, but not for kids - for each other, because at the end of the day you only have each other and I know I can only really rely on Rick and I hope that he feels the same way.

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you."
~A.A. Milne

Monday, 4 April 2011

Me again - lost

Ok, so it's been a while since you heard from me. I wish I could give you some dramatic and worthy excuse but basically it just comes down to sheer bloody exhaustion and laziness. By the time I get the opportunity to sit down at night and write this, my brain seems to be cloudy and my arms have lost the will to work!!

I wouldn't mind but it's not that life is particularly taxing, I'm not working, I'm a stay at home mum, I feed, change, play and walk the kids, oh and I try and fit in a gym session here and there with the energy I have left. It doesn't seem like much but this routine is all day every day and it can be draining physically, emotionally, mentally.

Don't get me wrong, I love my kids to bits and my life is much better with them in it, but I sometimes feel like a robotic version of the person that I used to be, I have no brain just an on and off switch, that if left on can sometimes overheat, explode, make errors and run out of power.

The final nail came this week when I or Rick discovered (I "accidentally" forget to open post with Barclays logo on front!!) that I was overdrawn and indeed now have no money. My fault entirely, I replaced 3 hour gym sessions with 2 hour shopping session every other day ( well what else can you do when you need to get your kids to sleep and the best way is to push them round in a pram?) Thing is, I wasn't even blowing it on designer labels and bling, just Tescos and Sainsbury's finest food ranges and obscure as well as expensive foods that you can only find in health food shops. Also, ask me anything about the world of celebrity as I also developed a obsession for trashy magazines, I feel that Katie, Peter and Kerry are like my best friends!!

There was an article by Bel Mooney in the Daily Mail recently in which broadcaster Kirsty Young spoke about some women feel like they lose their identity when they become mums - like a "non-person". Now, I've never really been a high flyer and my career path has had more twists and turns than Lindsay Lohan's! But the article really reflected how I feel.

Being a mum is great and I know that I am very lucky to have two such adorable babies.

There are so many women out there who would give anything to be a mum but are unable due to different circumstances to be one. But it doesn't complete me - is that really wrong to say? I would do anything for my children and it sends me into a tizz when I think about not being there for them, yet at the same time I feel like part of ME has died inside and I'm withering a little. So when I found out that I was broke, it kind of made me feel like I had been wiped out - like I no longer exist.

It's hard when I look on Face book and see many of my friends getting on with their lives, some travelling, some with amazing jobs and exploring brilliant opportunities and then I think, what have I got to offer - the most exciting thing for me in the last couple of weeks is discovering that there's another little path through the woods where I walk the kids, which means I'm not doing the same walk every day!

God, I must sound very ungrateful and the worlds worst mum, but if you took my kids away from me tomorrow I would drop down dead on the spot. I just want to find a way to be a good mother without losing myself.

Enough about me - I think you want to hear a bit about the twins. Well, they are now 9 moths old and bulking up quite nicely, although Olivia is still a diddy little thing and is continues to be able to fit into clothes that are labelled 3-6 months! However, she may be small but she has a very big presence. We call her Lady O as she likes to be looked after and waited on, but she also knows what she wants and when. Her eyes do all the talking and she has two kinds of looks, one that melts your heart and another that could cut steel.

Beau is like a big ball of energy still and is just on the cusp of crawling, yet at the moment his little legs just can't quite get to grips with things and he can only make do with humping the floor! He is a happy little chappy and very easily pleased, stick him in the baby bouncer  and he can entertain himself for a very long time.

They are just about starting to interact with one other - be it pulling at tops, poking, prodding and hitting each other in the face but we see that as a step forward!

Right now, I'm still able to catch a little time to sit down, eat and read for half an hour but I have a feeling that that time will soon come to an end and I'll be spending most of the day chasing after my two tazmanian devils in a bid to save furniture, electrical equipment and anything else that is within easy reach of two sets of little dirty hands! But those are the times that I'm looking forward too (gulp!!)