Friday, 10 May 2013

Heart on my sleeve

I'm really grateful for the feedback that I've had off people who have read my blog. The one thing that seems to come up is how open and forward I am about my life and things that I feel. I guess I don't seem to have a censor button when it comes to talking about myself and my emotions.

All my life I think I have been very forthcoming in terms of expressing myself. As a child, if I was upset, angry, happy, sad, pissed off, whatever, I not only let people know verbally, but also my body would also be acting out whichever emotion I would happen to be experiencing. Is there such a condition as emotional tourettes?

They say that your eyes are like a window into your soul, for me that is so true. Like my father, I think I have this ability to speak with my eyes and not say a word. As a child, it wasn't shouting in our house that had any impact, my dad would have a "stare", his eyes would go a very deep brown, almost black and they would fix upon you and hold you there under his gaze. If this was some sci-fi film, you could probably see the laser that was ever so slowly burning into your head. When you saw this stare, you would have to turn away quickly just in case he might actually penetrate the brain.

Maybe I picked up on this technique, or perhaps it was inherited, either way, I too have the "stare". I discovered this following a conversation that my headmaster (also taught me French) had with my parents when I was 12.

Mr Weremcyk - "your daughter is hard to teach"
my parents - "erm, ok, why?"
MrWeremcyk - "She has way of looking at me, that is most unsettling, a certain stare"

Yes, there you go folks, even at 12 I had the stare nailed.

I use the old adage ' I wear my heart on my sleeve'  because no truer words could be said, but it actually makes me feel comfortable to be so open and honest. I'm not ashamed of telling people how I feel. I sometimes think I do it because I want people to feel able to tell me things that they might not necessarily think is OK to discuss. This sounds very corny and perhaps a little bit egotistical, but nothing makes me feel better and happier when someone is able to disclose something to me that they might otherwise have felt awkward about. It's not about what they relate, but the fact that they can feel that they can relate to me. It's almost like I'm a big comfy chair that they can relax in.

The person I probably have to thank for this is my mum, she had the most warm and welcoming aura around her that glowed. People were forever in her office or on her phone seeking advice or just an ear. From old ladies and troubled teens to top flight rabbis, mum would listen to them with the same unaffected and nonjudgmental attention. There was no pompousness in her counsel, she did not feel herself as a martyr, she only ever wanted to make people feel comfortable in her presence.

But it is with the love and tolerance that I had from both my parents that have allowed me to be the open and honest person that I am today. They always encouraged both me and my brothers to be true to ourselves, making it feel natural for us to be expressive and emotionally unconstrained. Yes our house was often loud, contentious and somewhat tumultuous. However, when it came to who we all were as people, parents and children that was and still is bona fide and genuine.

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