oh for the love...

This week I feel like I've spent much of the time shouting or snapping at the kids. There were genuine reasons I hasten to add and here is the evidence...

1. Olivia throwing food at me and then over the floor
2. Beau refusing to keep still whilst changing an incredibly stinky nappy
3. Both refusing to eat anything for lunch except cake
4. Olivia poking me in the face with a plastic fork
5. Both taking things out of the shopping trolley and trying to open packets and bags
6. Both screaming for a (third) bag of crisps as I tried to make my way around the   supermarket
7. Beau pouring his drink all over Olivia in the shopping trolley
8. Olivia screaming at the top of her lungs because Beau poured drink over her in shopping trolley
9. Beau refusing to eat his tea wanting only toast which Olivia then went on to continuously steal until I had to make some more only for it to be chucked on the floor and splashed across ceilings, walls, floors, chairs and me.
10. Both of them pretty much ignoring any thing I had to say!

To top it all off, Beau has ended up with a tummy bug over the past couple of days, so I have been up to my ears in puke and poo.

Today was probably the worst and boiling point was bubbling over profusely. First came that primal roar sound that you make when you don't know what else to say when angry. Then it was the walk away and then finally came the collapse on the floor followed by the tears - yes, I'm talking about me and not the kids.

They had literally driven me to the point of despair 

But why then do I feel so bad about it all?

Maybe it's the fear of being rejected by my kids. I fear that when I shout or show my frustration the love-o-meter go's down. But deep down I know that's not rational, I'm sure my mum shouted at me when I was a toddler (a lot when I was a teenager!!) but I still loved her immensely. 

It makes me think of all those children out there who suffer at the hands of an adult and I cannot imagine how anyone can not feel guilt when they cause distress of a child. 

When I look into their eyes though I see their vulnerability and know that they see me and Rick as their vital support system, so if I become this shouty snappy mum then how can they feel safe. I do have a short temper and I can get myself into a right old lather but I never want my kids to be afraid of me.

I know it's part of being a parent and you can't always be the good cop, I think I just feel sometimes that I myself am a child playing at being a mum and when we played at being mums and dads as children it was only ever the nice and fun stuff you did - equally, I don't remember the person that played the child in our game having screaming fits, rejecting the food mummy cooked or projectile vomiting all over floor!