Friday, 17 August 2012

The skin that I'm in

So I've never hidden the fact that I have issues with the perception of my body and it has truly been a struggle since I've had the twins. Most recently I've been in a battle with my own mind and what I see in the mirror. When I look in the mirror, I don't look at my face, (hence the fact my eyebrows are so bushy) I look at my body poking, proding and pulling at it like a piece of dough. It changes on a daily basis, my head will be telling me I look OK and then I look in the mirror and mind and vision don't match and the next day it's the complete opposite.

There's no doubt that my body has changed since being pregnant, but also I'm 34 years old now and I think I need to start looking in the mirror and not expecting to see the body of a child or young girl.

In a previous blog I said that I was 80% happy with my body, I think it's still the same, so why hasn't that changed? Why do I still care so much?

I have lived with these demons since the age of 13, not a day goes by when I don't think to, panic about and berate myself over how I look, what I eat and how much exercise I've done. My mind is like a ticking time bomb. Today I got upset because I could no longer see my ribs - that shocked me a little bit, what a terrible thing to get upset about and want to still see, but I did - do.

It's very much a mental thing, I know that, I'm a slightly extreme case, but I know I'm not alone in that daily battle with body perception. Most of my female friends are or at some point have been on a diet and we spend a lot of time talking about our weight, our diet, what we eat and how much we exercise. But there never seems to be an end goal, it's as though our minds our computed to have this kink in it that stops us from being completely happy with who we are.

The reason I am friends with my friends is because they are genuinely nice, funny, interesting and caring people, and hopefully my friends feel the same way about me. Yet it doesn't seem to be enough for us, we want to be told how beautiful we look and we want people to notice our weight loss or change in body shape, whether it be our closest friends and family or the postman.

I'm not saying I wish I could just drop the dumbbells, plug in the deep fat fryer and become Waynetta Slob, no I just would once in a while like to wake up and not immediately think about how what I might eat that day would make me put on weight, not be tortured by what I saw in the mirror, and not feel unhappy with the skin that I am.

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