Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Beau is all action

So we're now entering a new phase of parenthood - Beau is starting to crawl and we are now trying to teach him the word 'no', as nothing that is not nailed down is safe from the clutches of our little Beau. Thankfully Olivia chooses to remain sat on her cute little tush and shows no ambition to move never mind crawl, which is a good job as we spending most of our time chasing after Beau, who currently adapts a commando style crawl (but very fast) on his elbows.

and cd cases seem to put him in a hypnotic trance, telling him to wriggle over and pull them out to freedom. The size of an object does not put him off, chairs and tables have been on the hit list, fortunately he gives in after a few seconds and instead decides to practice his action man rolls.

It's amazing to watch them develop, both in their own different ways. They both have their own little personalites now and we are hopefully tuning in and adapting to their needs.

I do sometimes worry that they will not love me like I love them, I don't think I could bear it if I had a child that wasn't affectionate. It's in my nature to give big hugs and lots of touching, I come from a very tactile family. My dad was always cuddling and kissing me and resting on my mum's chest  (she had boobies like big fluffy pillows) or lap was probably my most favourite places to be when I was little.

If I don't get a smile from them, I feel a little pang of sadness but have to tell myself not to take it personally. I think I fear of it being a reflection on me as a mum. I'm constantly thinking about how much I'm doing for them, do I read to them enough, play with them enough, talk to them enough??  Oh and don't get me started on the mine field that is feeding - am I giving them too little too much. I could literally sit up all night fretting over all of it.

Sometimes, the intensity of it all gets to me and I wish I could stop time for a day, just to get my head around everything, be calm and take a breath. Since the twins were born it feels like I've been submerged in motherhood and it can feel a little like I'm drowning at times and I need to come up for air, but perhaps I need to learn to breathe when under.

Again, I must reiterate, I love being a mum, it's the most powerful and wonderful feeling in the world, but I still mourn for my life previous - no matter how unadventurous, exciting it was. But like most grief you soon learn to let go and move on.

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