Monday, 4 April 2011

Me again - lost

Ok, so it's been a while since you heard from me. I wish I could give you some dramatic and worthy excuse but basically it just comes down to sheer bloody exhaustion and laziness. By the time I get the opportunity to sit down at night and write this, my brain seems to be cloudy and my arms have lost the will to work!!

I wouldn't mind but it's not that life is particularly taxing, I'm not working, I'm a stay at home mum, I feed, change, play and walk the kids, oh and I try and fit in a gym session here and there with the energy I have left. It doesn't seem like much but this routine is all day every day and it can be draining physically, emotionally, mentally.

Don't get me wrong, I love my kids to bits and my life is much better with them in it, but I sometimes feel like a robotic version of the person that I used to be, I have no brain just an on and off switch, that if left on can sometimes overheat, explode, make errors and run out of power.

The final nail came this week when I or Rick discovered (I "accidentally" forget to open post with Barclays logo on front!!) that I was overdrawn and indeed now have no money. My fault entirely, I replaced 3 hour gym sessions with 2 hour shopping session every other day ( well what else can you do when you need to get your kids to sleep and the best way is to push them round in a pram?) Thing is, I wasn't even blowing it on designer labels and bling, just Tescos and Sainsbury's finest food ranges and obscure as well as expensive foods that you can only find in health food shops. Also, ask me anything about the world of celebrity as I also developed a obsession for trashy magazines, I feel that Katie, Peter and Kerry are like my best friends!!

There was an article by Bel Mooney in the Daily Mail recently in which broadcaster Kirsty Young spoke about some women feel like they lose their identity when they become mums - like a "non-person". Now, I've never really been a high flyer and my career path has had more twists and turns than Lindsay Lohan's! But the article really reflected how I feel.

Being a mum is great and I know that I am very lucky to have two such adorable babies.

There are so many women out there who would give anything to be a mum but are unable due to different circumstances to be one. But it doesn't complete me - is that really wrong to say? I would do anything for my children and it sends me into a tizz when I think about not being there for them, yet at the same time I feel like part of ME has died inside and I'm withering a little. So when I found out that I was broke, it kind of made me feel like I had been wiped out - like I no longer exist.

It's hard when I look on Face book and see many of my friends getting on with their lives, some travelling, some with amazing jobs and exploring brilliant opportunities and then I think, what have I got to offer - the most exciting thing for me in the last couple of weeks is discovering that there's another little path through the woods where I walk the kids, which means I'm not doing the same walk every day!

God, I must sound very ungrateful and the worlds worst mum, but if you took my kids away from me tomorrow I would drop down dead on the spot. I just want to find a way to be a good mother without losing myself.

Enough about me - I think you want to hear a bit about the twins. Well, they are now 9 moths old and bulking up quite nicely, although Olivia is still a diddy little thing and is continues to be able to fit into clothes that are labelled 3-6 months! However, she may be small but she has a very big presence. We call her Lady O as she likes to be looked after and waited on, but she also knows what she wants and when. Her eyes do all the talking and she has two kinds of looks, one that melts your heart and another that could cut steel.

Beau is like a big ball of energy still and is just on the cusp of crawling, yet at the moment his little legs just can't quite get to grips with things and he can only make do with humping the floor! He is a happy little chappy and very easily pleased, stick him in the baby bouncer  and he can entertain himself for a very long time.

They are just about starting to interact with one other - be it pulling at tops, poking, prodding and hitting each other in the face but we see that as a step forward!

Right now, I'm still able to catch a little time to sit down, eat and read for half an hour but I have a feeling that that time will soon come to an end and I'll be spending most of the day chasing after my two tazmanian devils in a bid to save furniture, electrical equipment and anything else that is within easy reach of two sets of little dirty hands! But those are the times that I'm looking forward too (gulp!!)

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