Sunday, 21 November 2010

The emotions and feelings

When my mum died I never thought I'd feel any pain like it. I felt like someone had cannon balled me in the stomach and pulled out my heart and stamped on it and then sucked all the air out of my lungs so I couldn't breathe.

13 years along the line and I actually have had that same feeling sitting with my babies and imagining ( God forbid) not just my life without them but also if something was to happen to me and I could not be there for them. My whole self suddenly regressed back to the night that I saw the police car pull up to our house and my dad walking in, saying nothing but just holding out my mum's hair clip in his hand - wallop. This time I didn't scream out but my body prickled all over and I felt sick.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that intensity of love that I feel for my children seems as painful and overwhelming as losing my mum but I don't mean it to sound like a bad thing, maybe I've explained it wrong.

Ok lets try again - for those of you that are prepared to admit that you've tried Ecstasy - think back to the best trip you've ever had and multiply it by a million - but then also think about that bit before you come up and there's that stomach churning 30 mins or so

Sure my belly's tingling a bit, summat's happening im sure.

And im thinkin'...
(Lights are blinding my eyes)
Maybe i shouldnt have done the second one, i feel all fidgety and warm...
(People pushin' by, then walkin' off into the night)
Whoa, everything in the room is spinning, i think i'm going to fall down,
My heart's beating too quick, i'm fucking tripping out.
 -Blinded by the Lights (The Streets)

What ever way you want to look at it good or bad, to become a parent just takes your mind to places that have been locked away waiting for you to have a child. These new thoughts and feelings come rushing in and force everything else aside. To feel for one child is powerful enough but for two, I feel is mind blowing.

Sometimes I worry that my heart and head does not have the capacity to love my babies the same amount - can I give enough of myself. I wish I could have two hearts, two heads and four arms. But what I do know is with the heart I have I will give all of the love that is inside to them, with the head I have I will use it to be their guide and teacher, and with the arms I have I will provide comfort and warmth whenever they need it.

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