Tuesday, 30 November 2010

It still takes me by surprise...

That I'm a mother, it all sounds so grown up and sophisticated doesn't it, yet I'm still watching Hollyoaks, reading Heat magazine and get excited whenever I go down the sweetie aisle in the supermarket!

I got asked for id a couple of weeks ago and at first (as you do when it happens) I was rather smug about people thinking I looked about 16 and then a few moments later I realised that its not because of my face its because I still dress the way I did when I was 15 years old!

But now I'm a mum, yes I know that biologically I could've been one by the age of 12 , but I think it means different things to you depending on your age. I think the younger you are the less aware you are of the responsibilities that come with being a parent. Maybe innocence and ignorance of youth is a good thing as they are so blase about the well being of their child.

On the surface, I feel like mother nature and I'm floating a long, but in the pit of my stomach and and behind those locked doors of my mind are the greatest of fears. I'm doing well to keep them at bay, but they are always there bubbling underneath the surface. I've had to stop myself watching any thing to do with hospitals as you can guarantee that there is going to be a story about a sick child and I'll watch it thinking - what if that happens to me. It's too painful to event think about.

Lets lighten things up a bit - I'm proud to be a mum, for the first time in my life I can honestly feel like I'm doing the best that I can do. Throughout my working life I constantly felt that I was never good enough, beating myself up mentally about things that I didn't achieve. But as a mum I never question myself or my ability to look after my twins. It's almost been a cathartic process, a cleanser and revitaliser.

I have to prepare myself that one day I will have sulky teenagers who will tut and moan and most of the things I say, so right now I'm making the most of my kids who make me feel like a queen er no make that princess (she's younger) everyday.

1 comment:

  1. There isn't a more important job in the world. As long as we do our best, that's ok!