Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Life changer

It was a year ago this week that I discovered that I was pregnant. The moment that I read that little 'pregnant' sign on the clear blue tester it felt like I had left one world and jumped into another - all changed. I felt like my body no longer belonged to me but was more like a hatching pod.

So along with all they joy that comes with being pregnant there comes a scary feeling of responsibility, like being the person that holds the rope at the top of a mountain and if you let slip then whoever is below falls.

Before I got pregnant, I was an exercise addict, sometimes spending up to 3hrs a day exercising. Part of the reason I had to have treatment to help me get pregnant was because my body was not producing enough female hormones and it is highly likely because of the amount of exercise I was doing.

Obviously things had to change, but it was hard. From my teenage battle with anorexia I have had a constant battle in my head, almost like two little voices sitting on each shoulder, one being more reasonable and sane and the other trying to lead me back into dark places. So (dramatic as this sounds) I was starting a new fight, but this time it was not just for my own self it was for another little life inside me (didn't know it was twins then).

I'd been used to pushing my body to its limit and thrived on that, so how was I going to deal with this??!!
I'll be honest and say things didn't change immediately, I still tried to take myself through tough workouts, but was unprepared for the extreme tiredness that comes along with the first term in pregnancy. Fortunately I didn't get morning sickness which is a bonus seeing as I'm vomit phobic!!

The first few weeks of pregnancy is like walking on very thin glass that could crack at any time. Every little niggle, twinge or cramp is magnified and dwelt on for days. Whenever I went to the toilet my heart would beat fast with the fear of looking down and seeing blood.

One night, I think I was about 10 weeks gone ( I knew it was twins by then), that fear came to light as I found I was bleeding. I felt more anger than worry, anger that possibly my body had failed at doing its job, that I'd failed.

Rick took me to A&E, and after 4hrs of waiting, without doing a scan or any checks I was told to go home, book an appointment with the prenatal unit and wait it out. That night when I got home I admit I got on my knees and I prayed. The one time in my life when I really wanted or needed to believe that someone or something was watching over me.

The next morning, I managed to get in for a scan and I was ready to be told that there was no baby. Lying back on the hospital bench, my knees started to tremble uncontrollably, I didn't even look at the screen until I heard the words "I see two heartbeats". It was like my heart had been given a shot of adrenalin and I was almost sick with relief.

I realised then that this was the biggest undertaking of my life and that it was no longer just about thinking what was good for myself but what was good for all three of us.

I carried on exercising throughout my pregnancy but at a much more steadier level and I began to embrace my ever changing size. Yes I was getting big, but it was for a reason. I felt beautiful - something that I hadn't felt if ever. For the first time in 18 years I was looking in the mirror and willing my tummy to grow. I felt a certain kind of liberation by being pregnant, I was so much more relaxed and happy.

People say to me that I won't have to get pregnant again because of the twins, but you know what, I would happily do it all over again..and why wouldn't I when I could have another gorgeous little one just like these two......


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