I started my post pregnancy exercise routine about two weeks after the twins were born as I was so shocked by the soft squishy mass that was and still is my tummy. When I was pregnant, I was so proud of my bump, I loved watching it get bigger and taughter every few days - it's fair to say that at times near the end I felt like a weeble, if you wobbled me I wouldn't fall over!
However, I didn't consider nor was I prepared for the aftermath of pregnancy and the effect that it would have on my body. Please do not think that I regret having these wonderful little bags of love, I don't and I would do it again, but it has taken me a while to get used to my body being a little bit different. I'm now a little bit curvier and my once unsubstantial chest is more of a blooming bosom - hooray some might say, but for me the softness of a feminine figure has been hard to feel comfortable with.
Of course it obviously stems from having an eating disorder and one of the reasons I developed this was partly down to the fact I found the womanly female form rather scary, it's such a sensuous thing and the thought of men finding me attractive for my figure would turn my stomach. (Most) men don't find little girls attractive, in fact they don't even pay attention to them and that's how I wanted it to be.
In another way, I was worried that becoming a woman was a sign of independence and I still craved the attention and nurture from my parents. So the thinner I was the more fragile I was the more I'd be loved..confusing!!
I was 22 when I lost my virginity..to Rick..who I'm still with today. It did not mean though that I begun to feel comfortable with my body, over the next 10 years of us being together, Rick has had to endure some pretty tough episodes, much more than most men who have to. It went beyond gentle reassurance and persuasion that my bum doesn't look big and my stomach doesn't stick out, it was trying to cope with the physical and mental fall out of remnants of an eating disorder. Most people would've just walked away, but Rick dug his heels in and fought with fire to get us both to this point today.
Before I got pregnant I was probably my fittest ever, with arms like Madonna and a tum as toned as post fucked up. I won't lie, I loved it, I was happy, finally I was proud of my body. Ok, some may not have liked it - it wasn't very "womanly" but we know my issue with that right!
So I hit training hard again after the twins and I push myself to try and obtain pre-pregnancy bod and whilst I'm doing this I just realise how much I've been punishing myself over the years, pulling on every last bit of energy to get me through rigorous workouts and it's draining, I was running on empty, but now with the twins, I can't afford to do that, it's not fair.
I really want to be able to say, I've thrown out my trainers and will just wear elasticated trousers now, but I can't. I really really want to be able to not care anymore, but I still do, it's just that I am now more aware of the effects that it has and I am trying to find a balance in my life where I'm still living with the old me but trying to embrace - for the sake of my children - a new more relaxed me, who feels ok with my curves and accepts that the people who love me (particularly 2 tiny ones), do so whether I'm fat or thin.