Today, I admit, I felt like downing tools and just running away. Both the kids are now poorly and this in turn makes them a little grumpy and nothing I did seemed to be able to comfort them. I honestly felt like I was being pushed away by them. Of course this is probably not the case, but when you can't raise a smile from your child or they look at you as if to say "Why aren't you doing anything to help me?", it's hard not to take it personally. I don't think I've ever had a thick skin, the slightest nick, I cry and want to give up. Well today I got cut.
I knew before we had children that it was going to be a bumpy ride but there is honestly no book or manual that can really help you deal with or prepare for how to bring up you children successfully, there is no perfect solution. Things can go swimmingly for a while and then WHAM, something slam dunks you like Big Daddy in his hey day.
So ensues the doubt - am I really a good mum?(please I'm not saying this for sympathy) do they really like me? - are they getting bad vibes from me?. This then, I feel, makes me over compensate and probably overwhelm them with affection. Perhaps they don't like to be touched so much, but then that upsets me because then I think what if I have children that don't like being hugged or kissed - I think my body would explode if I couldn't give out cuddles!!
It just all got too much today and I honestly thought for a while that I couldn't cope. I love to give over this sense of being a supermum and it's great that people around me think I'm doing a great job, but it doesn't stop me from feeling that I can always do better and that there's something that I am missing.
When I was younger, no, I would say right up until I had the twins, if I ever got myself into a situation where I couldn't cope or didn't think I was doing a good enough job my solution was to always walk away, which often meant to my detriment as I ended up missing out on something or looking back with deep regret and the opportunities I could've had. With kids that is not an option - which in a way is a good thing I guess because it means I can't give up, I have to put on my armour and be brave.
To try and get rid of a bit of stress, I went to the gym and whilst on the bike I watched Jeremy Kyle (I know I feel dirty!) It actually did wonders for my confidence in being a mum because some of the women that insist that they're good mothers come on with very messy stories that their children are probably witness too and to me makes out for a rather unsettled home.
Deep down I know I'm doing ok and that this is just a mini bump, but it leaves me wondering how I'll cope when we have bigger mountains and tougher climbs to face. Fortunately, unlike some of those mums on Jeremy Kyle, I've got a huge support system around me and Rick is an amazing dad, so even if I do slip or loose my grip a little, I have the plenty of rope to hold on to.