So, we've come to the decision that I'm not going to work whilst the twins are still little babies. "Oh lucky you" you might be thinking and "alright for some hey", but this is not a decision that we took lightly and it will mean a bit of a financial strain, However there would just be no point in me going to work as what I would earn would not cover child care.
Of course it's great that I get to spend so much time with my kids, but part of me is a little gutted in the sense that had I just had a more established career then maybe we just wouldn't be in this situation. You see the problem is that I've never stayed with something long enough to really say that I've had a career. I seem to have ducked and dived through things and scrambled around picking up the crumbs in the hope that it will make one full cake, but either been to impatient or too afraid to actually put all the ingredients together to make something firm and solid. I just hope that because of this my children won't suffer.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be either a journalist, lawyer or actress, I think this was down to the fact that I was nosy, argumentative and very dramatic! But I was insistent that I was going to be one of those things.
At 16 I went to the Oldham Theatre workshop whose alumni included Anna Friel and many of the cast of Coronation Street. For about a year my dad would drive me all the way to rehearsals for shows and plays and I became a mini lovey hugging and air kissing my fellow cast members as we became more acquainted - I was in my element. I can't quite really remember what happened and why I stopped going, I think it was a combination of dad not wanting to drive me anymore (to be far it was a fair trek and his car did get broken into one time whilst we were there) and the people at the workshop pushing to sign me up to the agency but wanting my parents to pay a hefty fee. But I didn't really object to not going.
I never really pursued law, I was never convinced I'd be smart enough maybe, or perhaps I knew how much hard work it would be.
In terms of journalism, I have dabbled a little and written a few articles here and there and even did work experience at Heat magazine once, but never fully explored it as a career.
What happened to my ambition?? as I child I was so determined, I even remember thinking to myself that my 20's were going to be great because In some way I would be successful, where in actual fact I spent most of my 20's dithering about and making stupid decisions with regards to jobs and work.
It bothers me that I have no firm roots in anything, I don't have a little nest egg, I've never been solely independent and I've now got no real career to go back to even if I wanted to.
It's no one else's fault but myself, so don't feel sorry for me, with a little bit more determination and effort perhaps I would've achieved maybe all three of those things I wanted to be. Yet I chose paths that led to no where. It's sort of like being in a maze and I constantly have to reverse and start all over again.
Perhaps whilst I'm bringing up the babies it will give me time to reflect on what I really want to do, but I worry that it might be too late.
Most importantly is that I want to enable my children to have the self belief and confidence that I think I have lacked throughout my life. I don't however want to be one of those mums who tries to live a missed life through her kids but end up being bitter about what I've lost or not done. God forbid if I become a pushy mum!! I actually want my kids to be proud of me as well as me being proud of them.