Thursday, 3 February 2011

A mother's fear

Beau was violently sick and a had a bad case of diarrhea in the last night and I hate to admit it but the normal cool, calm momma V lost it a little and was over come with panic. I have a phobia about vomit anyway, but seeing my little boy spew up like a river that burst it's dam really made my heart rate soar.

I think I just associate my fear of the sick stuff with those that are sick around me (not many are because I've usually run a mile before they do so), but I think it was more to the fact that I felt so helpless and then you just start going over in your head what this sickness might be and what it could lead to and then the mind just goes in to free fall and you have to work really hard to reign it back in again.

I never knew that motherhood could be so empowering yet debilitating both at the same time. In many ways becoming a mother has made me a much stronger person, more self assured in a way, but then there's a little part of me in my mind that I can see rocking back and forwards, twisting my fingers  in knots with the angst that I feel when I think about the safety and well being of my children. This may be a bit morbid but I have run through my head many times the thought of losing my children, trying to tell myself that I'll cope and just move on with life, but I know that won't happen.

Being a mother really pushes you and your mind to the limit and forces you to find an inner strength that you never knew you had because there will be times in your child's life when you have to swim like a swan - looking graceful and calm, whilst underneath it all you're kicking like crazy to keep afloat.

My kids are going to get sick over the years that is a fact of life and I'm just going to have to keep taking lots of deep breathes and maybe a chill pill or two, but if I didn't feel that angst then what kind of mum would I be.

This love is a painful and heart / gut wrenching kind of love, but it's a love that has and still does make me a stronger person. It's helps me deal with my demons and melted the ice that was setting around my heart.

I'm happy to report that Beau is very much on the mend and it was probably just a 24 hour thing, before we put him to bed he was back to his usual bouncy bubbly Beau. 

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